One of mankind's oldest known games. In this episode, the Birdman will attempt to answer some of history's most pressing questions.
The thing about would you rather is this: you have to mix the type of humiliation that is felt. I'm trying to get a window into the soul of the person that I'm playing here, and asking a question like, "break a finger or break a leg?" doesn't get me anywhere. The key is mixing emotions and issues at hand. Additionally, the more twisted they can be - the better. This isn't a game for cowards and virgins. If you're easily offended, I wouldn't read on. Actually, scratch that, maybe if you read on you'll stop being such a pussy about everything. Either way, here it goes.
#1) Get tongued down by a homeless person every day for a year or actually be homeless for a week in the winter?
Now most people's gut reaction is that they would prefer being homeless. The day-in, day-out grind of making out with someone who's breath is likely a hot combination of pork grinds, OE 40 resin, and Newport cigarettes seems, to most, to be too much to bare for 365 consecutive days. Not to mention, eventually you'd start to taste like that person and your sig other might take to cheating instead of making out with your crusty ass on the regular. However, if you are from anywhere North of the Mason-Dixon line, you know what a cold day in the winter feels like - and that's for 15 minutes on your way to work. Imagine 168 consecutive hours of that same feeling. Before you resign yourself to the week without a casa, you need to ask yourself, are you resourceful enough to do any of the following: whittle a shank for protection? hunt for twigs and foiliage upon which to sleep? Not get into a bum fight? Perfect the ins and outs of three card monty? Not catch typhoid fever? Or dengue fever for that matter? What about stocking caps? Do you have a fully-stocked collection of those? No, no you don't. No you don't.
#2) Have someone take a metal bat to one of your shins or receive a lap dance from every woman in your extended family over the age of 50, while she's rockin' a G-string?
This one is great because it really deals with two fundamentally different kinds of pain: emotional and physical. I'm not totally positive which side I come down on this one. On one hand, I have some heinous relatives on the downward slope of their careers, but - luckily for me - my mom is 47, so she doesn't count. On the other hand, if any of you have sprained an ankle before, you know what pain to that region of the physique can feel like. Imagine your kank bone shattering into 3,000 tiny pieces upon impact. Not only would you be gimped out for about 2 months, you'd have a permy solo-kank. We're talking Campbell's soup can kankles here. And I wouldn't underestimate the humiliation of walking through life with one Nike and one New Balance extra-wide EEE. You'd also have to sock shop for your gigundo-kank at a big and tall store and that could just get weird. But, again, swooping a lappy from the feminine contingent of your fam could provide two really weird endings: maybe you're so petrified by the experience it ruins strip clubs and sex for you for the rest of your life; or (what I consider to be a worse outcome) you pop a chub and let one fly. You'd have to self-ice as soon as that was over. So by going with the old lady lappers your risking permanent impotence, or even death. So this one's not so clear cut.
#3) THIS QUESTION IS FOR MALES ONLY:
I love this question. I mean, I thought of it, but I still love it. It gets at the heart of the issue of sexuality. As a man, you have to ask yourself: Am I attracted to the female gender or the female sex. Some of you out there are undoubtedly looking at your computer screen with befuddlement, but let me explain. The tranny could essentially look like salma hyek with some extra junk in the front, and the lesbian might look more like your hunting uncle Tommy. Now what I meant when I brought up the sex vs. gender issue was that you have to ask yourself if you're attracted to the fact that someone is biologically woman, or that they take the form of a woman. To many of my comrades chagrin, I'm going to go with the tranny, and I'll explain why. Now the knee-jerk reaction of homophobes everywhere will be, "You can't make out with the tranny, what are ya, a fuckin' FAG!!" Well let me ask you homophobe (we'll call you Army Pete): am I the gay one? You're the one who's choosing a man with a vagina, and are you more masculine simply because you have a penis or are you more of a man if some of your favorite past times include drinking miller hi life, working on brake pads daily in your garage, or galavanting around bars in an attempt to "tounge down some bitches". I will humbly contend that you, Army Pete, are in fact the more homosexual one here, because you prefer the form of a man to the form of a woman. Either way, it's an interesting question and one that you should feel free to pose in a room that is dripping with testosterone just to liven things up. Additionally it's pretty funny to call out your friends for making out with a mangina. And if one of their names is Andy, you could then call him Mandy.
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