Would You Rather?

Eat a cat salad or break a finger?

One of mankind's oldest known games. In this episode, the Birdman will attempt to answer some of history's most pressing questions.

The thing about would you rather is this: you have to mix the type of humiliation that is felt. I'm trying to get a window into the soul of the person that I'm playing here, and asking a question like, "break a finger or break a leg?" doesn't get me anywhere. The key is mixing emotions and issues at hand. Additionally, the more twisted they can be - the better. This isn't a game for cowards and virgins. If you're easily offended, I wouldn't read on. Actually, scratch that, maybe if you read on you'll stop being such a pussy about everything. Either way, here it goes.

#1) Get tongued down by a homeless person every day for a year or actually be homeless for a week in the winter?

Now most people's gut reaction is that they would prefer being homeless. The day-in, day-out grind of making out with someone who's breath is likely a hot combination of pork grinds, OE 40 resin, and Newport cigarettes seems, to most, to be too much to bare for 365 consecutive days. Not to mention, eventually you'd start to taste like that person and your sig other might take to cheating instead of making out with your crusty ass on the regular. However, if you are from anywhere North of the Mason-Dixon line, you know what a cold day in the winter feels like - and that's for 15 minutes on your way to work. Imagine 168 consecutive hours of that same feeling. Before you resign yourself to the week without a casa, you need to ask yourself, are you resourceful enough to do any of the following: whittle a shank for protection? hunt for twigs and foiliage upon which to sleep? Not get into a bum fight? Perfect the ins and outs of three card monty? Not catch typhoid fever? Or dengue fever for that matter? What about stocking caps? Do you have a fully-stocked collection of those? No, no you don't. No you don't.

#2) Have someone take a metal bat to one of your shins or receive a lap dance from every woman in your extended family over the age of 50, while she's rockin' a G-string?

This one is great because it really deals with two fundamentally different kinds of pain: emotional and physical. I'm not totally positive which side I come down on this one. On one hand, I have some heinous relatives on the downward slope of their careers, but - luckily for me - my mom is 47, so she doesn't count. On the other hand, if any of you have sprained an ankle before, you know what pain to that region of the physique can feel like. Imagine your kank bone shattering into 3,000 tiny pieces upon impact. Not only would you be gimped out for about 2 months, you'd have a permy solo-kank. We're talking Campbell's soup can kankles here. And I wouldn't underestimate the humiliation of walking through life with one Nike and one New Balance extra-wide EEE. You'd also have to sock shop for your gigundo-kank at a big and tall store and that could just get weird. But, again, swooping a lappy from the feminine contingent of your fam could provide two really weird endings: maybe you're so petrified by the experience it ruins strip clubs and sex for you for the rest of your life; or (what I consider to be a worse outcome) you pop a chub and let one fly. You'd have to self-ice as soon as that was over. So by going with the old lady lappers your risking permanent impotence, or even death. So this one's not so clear cut.

#3) THIS QUESTION IS FOR MALES ONLY: Make out with a transsexual who was in the process of becoming a women (upstairs was finished, downstairs she's a dude) or a really really really butch lesbian?

I love this question. I mean, I thought of it, but I still love it. It gets at the heart of the issue of sexuality. As a man, you have to ask yourself: Am I attracted to the female gender or the female sex. Some of you out there are undoubtedly looking at your computer screen with befuddlement, but let me explain. The tranny could essentially look like salma hyek with some extra junk in the front, and the lesbian might look more like your hunting uncle Tommy. Now what I meant when I brought up the sex vs. gender issue was that you have to ask yourself if you're attracted to the fact that someone is biologically woman, or that they take the form of a woman. To many of my comrades chagrin, I'm going to go with the tranny, and I'll explain why. Now the knee-jerk reaction of homophobes everywhere will be, "You can't make out with the tranny, what are ya, a fuckin' FAG!!" Well let me ask you homophobe (we'll call you Army Pete): am I the gay one? You're the one who's choosing a man with a vagina, and are you more masculine simply because you have a penis or are you more of a man if some of your favorite past times include drinking miller hi life, working on brake pads daily in your garage, or galavanting around bars in an attempt to "tounge down some bitches". I will humbly contend that you, Army Pete, are in fact the more homosexual one here, because you prefer the form of a man to the form of a woman. Either way, it's an interesting question and one that you should feel free to pose in a room that is dripping with testosterone just to liven things up. Additionally it's pretty funny to call out your friends for making out with a mangina. And if one of their names is Andy, you could then call him Mandy.

Decision-making and Pete Rose Haircuts

Where'd ya get the Pete Rose Haircut?

Seriously, this is why you can't have yes men in your crew. Don't you think maybe just once someone should have been like "Uh, Pete, maybe you should take a little off around the ears. Additionally, you may want to consider having your barber actually cut INTO your hair instead of just around the outside of it." Then again, maybe he was hiding HGH in there and had to make sure that no one found them. Shit, anything would make sense other than him just picking that cut for aesthetic purposes. I mean, Jesus, he looks like the missing link or a member of the 70s porn actor guild. Either way, for another hilarious Pete Rose anecdote, follow this link: http://watchfamilyguyonline.org/movie/60-Family_Guy_422_Sibling_Rivalry.html and fastforward to 5:35. I've seen it a good eight thousand times and it still gives me a laugh. Amazing.

Sometimes people just make bad calls and then stick to them for no apparent reason. There's probably about a million of these, but I'll give you some truly horendous decisions in the past few decades or so:

- Michael Jackson's 51,000 nose jobs and continous skin-lightening. You think maybe Mike would have faired better if Tito would have kept his nose out of the scarface for like 10 minutes and slapped Mike around a bit in 1989 when he started looking more like Elizabeth Taylor than a black kid from Gary. But no, ya just couldn't do that, could ya Tito?

- Mark Cuban's continuous desire to where tight Mavericks Tees and dusty denim to all the games. Ok, we get it. You're a fan. But for God's sake, put on a tie once a year and pull yourself together. Do you think a guy in a tie would yell obseneties at Kenyon Martin's mother? I mean, this is not really the guy you want to pick on; he's fourth in line for entrance at R. Kelly's "Psychos Only Party" behind Mike Tyson, Dick Cheney, and Mel Gibson.

- Anorexia. I'm gonna go out on a limb here, but seriously just stop deciding not to eat. I can already here the cry of the hippies: "It's a desease! They can't help it!" Well, being a sexual predator is a disease too, but we don't condone that. So I'm sick of letting this one slide. Go to the store, pick up a Lean Cuisine TV Dinner, swoop a romantic comedy, and go home and get filthy. There's no reason you need to be walking around here weighing 87 lbs when there are plenty of people in 3rd world countries who have similar builds through no choice of their own. It was one bad decision that spiraled into madness, so knock it off.

- Skinny Jeans on dudes. Now I thought we got over this one, I thought the 90s and early part of the new milenium put it to rest, but I was wrong. There's a reason they call them stranglers: your balls can't breath and you catch a mean back knee rash every time you sit down (not to be confused with Bacne of the JJ Reddick variety). I'm convinced that this, too, soon shall pass. And it can't come soon enough.

- That Big Mac guy on Supersize Me. If you don't know about this dude, let me enlighten you. His name is Don Gorske and he's from Wisconsin. This motherfucker ate a Big Mac one day in 1972 and decided it would be a good idea to turn his whip around on the way home and buy 3 more. It didn't stop there, he bought 6 more later that day and has been smashin' ever since. According to his own claim, he's eatin' 23,000 Big Macs in his lifetime and the sandwhich constitues over 90% of his food intake. Re-he-heally? Let's say you've had 1,000 Big Macs in your lifetime (which, unless you're a psycho, you haven't) you'd have to eat one for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day until July 11th, 2029, to pass this guy for total Big Macs eaten. And that's assuming he doesn't eat another one until then - which I can't imagine happening. Now, don't you think maybe someone, anyone, should have walked up to this guy at some point about 20 years ago and said, "Dude, maybe switch it up every now and then. Here's an apple and some water, get the fuck to the crib immediately and don't you dare stop at a Crack Donzo's on the way home."

The point here is that everyone, once in a while, needs to step back and think, "hmmmmmmmm, maybe I should chill out with this one." And it helps if you have someone around that will tell you that you're being an idiot and point you in the right direction.

Top 10

Top 10 worst things that someone could say to you to start your day:

- You pissed this chick over here to the left off, and now she's suing you for child support.

- Your job called, you're fired, your last day of work is never.

- I ate all of your cereal and we're out of milk, but I think there's some candy corn left over from Halloween.

- Your girlfriends passed out on the couch again. I was rummaging through her bag for some cigarettes or possibly Heroine and her ID fell out. It was a learner's permit, vertically.

- Andy Milonakis looks decades older than you.

- You have ass cancer, complete with a side of buttne.

- Ron Artest is here.

- Remember that guy you punched last night? Turns out it was a girl, and she's pregnant. Well, she was.

- Your mom called and she says she won't talk to you until you return all of her thongs.

- Your brother got really wacked out on Robitussin last night and told everyone about how you made him swear not to tell everyone you have erectile dysfunction. In an unrelated sidenote, last night the federal government outlawed Viagra, Cialis, Porn, and Skirts.